the great ghost of depression

I suffer from depression and take 8-9 pills daily to keep major bouts at arms length. It had been a long struggle for the past 12 - 14 years. My recent late nights of kopi has taken it's toll and hit me pretty bad this late morning. Igot crazy heart palpatations and by 4pm I was a nervous wreck. It was irritating to fight the irrational thoughts of... Quitting my job... Ending life... Or stupid stuff like to light up a cigarette in the office.

I believe one of the factors keeping me from major relapses since my marriage has been the routine and improved sleeping habits. I typically sleep around or before midnight. Anything later than that is basically a sure sign of a pretty bad panic attack or gloomy days a couple of days later.

I smoked five cigarettes today. I aim to smoke less but this doom and gloom is not helping.

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so somebody's been smoking ...

And that someone is me. Today's tally is about six again. The heat actually prevented me from smoking more.

I think I must have smoked at least 3 packs last week or about average 8 sticks a day.

How can I put a date to quit? The last time I tried, I missed the deadline by 4 mths 23 days... If forced with a gun to my head, I would put it as today. Right. Now.

But let's be realistic... June 26 2009? Nice date.. But it's quite close.

In other news... Those Nicoret(?) ads look tempting.......

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typhoon soon? what's next? a moonlit noon?

Strong winds now after a week of crazy heat. There are yellow leaves strewn all over the street!

I wonder why this post is rhyming. I will stop. Today's ciggie count is about 6. Quite alot cos work has been mad. I bought guitar hero world tour today. Damn worth it. Enjoyed each second of it. Leanna can hold an even eighth beat... For about 3 or 4 bars.

I'm so proud of our little drummer girl. Whirl.

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smoking

The wife wants a daily blog 'report' about my smoking habit. Which is a persistent issue with me. I hate the fact i'm still smoking quite a bit.

With stressful work weeks, I can go above the 5 sticks a day ration I set for myself. I need the smokes but they tend to taste bad or make me nauseous by the end of the day.

It's almost 5 and I'm headed out for a haircut. And I smoked 4 sticks so far today.

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