Thank you and goodbye, Hwee Yang

Ah Jiang, or Hwee Yang or Denan.

I don't know which name you'd prefer.

I was never really close to you but as a first cousin, your passing is a tremendous loss your parents, wife, brothers.

Thank you for helping papa and mama with their TV and home theater. Thank you for hosting us on Chinese New Year family gatherings.

I couldn't concentrate at work this morning. A numbing heartache lingers and my thoughts scatter because obviously I am affected by the grief. The grief from the sadness in my mother's voice when she told me the bad news, and the incapacitating loss that hung on your mothers (Ah Neo's) face at the funeral.

I thought about other first cousins who have passed on both sides on the family and how distant they felt. I thought about Lenny's loss for her father and visiting his grave.

I flipped through the morning paper to find your obituary. That's the first time I saw your full name, Ong Hwee Yang. I never knew you by any name other than Ah Jiang.

I have never cried at funerals, but I am familiar with the feeling of loss that permeates one's chest when dealing with deep depression. That old feeling has returned but I understand it's a one-off emotion, at least it's real and not medicine induced.

Ah Jiang, I hope you may rest in peace and I will always remember you for the good you have done. I hope you are in a good place now.

You will always be a cousin who I always wished I knew better, before it was too late.